Another Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Stupidity

After a month of general orientation, another two months on public affairs and cultural programs, eight whole months of Arabic, and a whole mess of consultations and pre-departure preparations, the end — or perhaps, the beginning — is finally at hand. In something like 36 hours, I’ll be heading out to the airport to catch my flight out to Riyadh.

It’s funny how many times I’ve sat down at the keyboard over the past two months with the intention of writing something profound and introspective — only to look at the words on the screen and realize what I’d written was obsequious, self-important drivel. Or, even worse, my writing was completely dull and generic — the kind of stuff fit for a teenager’s LiveJournal.

In other words, the kind of the stuff you’d usually read on here. But maybe I’m just more conscious of it these days.

But that’s what happens when you’re stuck in limbo for nearly a year. The classic rule of writing is to focus on what you know, but when all you know is the day-in, day-out slog of learning a language for six to eight hours a day, there’s only so many compelling pieces to create on the subject.

But that’s also life, isn’t it? Take any biopic in recent years and you’ll realize that those two hours make the lives of Ray Charles or Howard Hughes or whoever look like constant action and heart-rending tragedy. If “Walk The Line” had devoted an entire ten minutes to Johnny Cash clipping his toenails one morning, I doubt near as many people would have wanted to see it. Life is the stuff that happens in between the Kodak moments.

My apologies — this was supposed to be a stiff upper lip, “see you on the other side,” can’t wait for the new adventure, type of post. We’ll see what I can crank out once I get out and get settled.

Me Lob Yoy Long Tim

Wyman recently posted on the T9Word function of most texting programs on cellular phones and it got me thinking.

I’m a hopelessly-addicted iPhone user. The fact that it carries my calendar, my email, unlimited data, and works with many useful applications means that I’m rarely without it. In fact, as times I’ve probably been one of those “iClones” — people so absorbed with various tasks on the phone that they tend to run into people, miss steps on the stairway, fail to realize they’ve been fired, etc. I’ve never been more efficient at getting back to folks and keeping track of my schedule, but at what cost?

When Apple introduced the device nearly two years ago, the mobile market as we know it changed. Sure, we didn’t realize it at first; I mean, the initial iPhone cost over 400 dollars, right? But even then, what Steve Jobs showed the world that it was possible to combine most day-to-day online tasks with a phone and a semi-decent camera into one sleek, simple package. Such a shame that only the technophiles and the well-to-do could afford it.

Then Apple recycled the hardware and had AT&T subsidize the price through a two-year contract. Suddenly, only paying 200 dollars for a phone made it much more attractive to everyone — from diplomats to teenagers to Taliban leaders. And companies like RIM (maker of the BlackBerry) and Palm collectively wet themselves when they realized that Apple’s little miracle device was a real threat to their market share.

Before the iPhone, I could barely remember seeing even one or two commercials for a BlackBerry. It was something pushed toward the business folks who needed to be tied to their job 24/7. Sure, having email that close all the time could be convenient, but who really needed it?

Fast forward to the present and suddenly we’re seeing BlackBerry advertisements all the time — including the (well, to me, at least) semi-annoying ones from Verizon for the Storm voiced by The Office’s Jim Halpert.

But what’s the cost of convenience? We put our entire lives onto this lifeless device and then spend a significant portion of our day interacting with it. And when we can’t, we go into a strange sort of withdrawal.

Why, just this week, actually, I had iWithdrawal when I had to visit the hospital for a routine procedure. I can remember sitting in that room watching daytime television for over two hours, waiting for my turn in the OR, and all I could think was, “Man, I wish they’d let me have my phone right now.” At least I was thinking of keeping my family and loved ones up to date and not about what the latest scores were, but that’s when this post started mulling its way through my frontal lobe.

Before we even had cellular phones, what did we do in situations like the one mentioned above? We sat around, praying and freaking out, hoping that a phone call would eventually come from somewhere. But now, with everyone and their mother having ready mobile access, suddenly there’s not really an excuse. It puts a lot more pressure on people, this era of instant communication.

It’s also changed the way we get our news. Who was the first person to break the story about the airplane landing in the Hudson River? It wasn’t some crack reporter — it was a man with a mobile phone and a Twitter account watching the events from an office building, wasn’t it? Jurors with mobile phones are causing mistrials because they can’t keep their thumbs at bay while the prosecution is arguing. No wonder NDA clauses in employment contracts have beefed up so much — there’s now no time to control the dissemination of bad or good news.

So what am I arguing for? A return to simpler times? More self control? I’m not really quite sure. I’m too preoccupied trying to figure out why the auto-correct on my phone keeps replacing “I love you” with “I lob yoy.”

Overheard

In discussing immunizations for Saudi Arabia, I just had this gem of a conversation:

Her: Well, are the camels vaccinated?
Me: You’re not going to get bitten by a camel.
Her: But what if one sneezes on me?
Me: They don’t sneeze. They spit. And it’s not like you’re going to be around any camel farms.
Her: Says you.
Me: Why would you be going near a camel farm?
Her: To hang out with camels!
Me: What?
Her: Camels are my buddies!

Inauguration Watch

Like any other federal employee in the District today, I’m holed up in my apartment watching the insanity on television waiting for the scary out-of-towners to leave. I’m not going to try and live-blog the dang thing, but I hope to occasionally jump on and post an observation or two.

EDIT: And we have our first winner!

It’s certainly expected that people will try to sneak in to watch things firsthand, but you’d think they would keep a low profile, right? NOPE. Just saw two girls bragging on national television about how they skirted security because their friends had tickets and helped them get through.

Maybe the checkpoints are too overloaded to care, but still — why take that kind of chance?

EDIT 2: And the hits just keep on coming –

“I knew it was history bein’ in the making or whatever.”

Perhaps the cold is adversely affecting folks’ interview ability. On the flip side, it turns out security is giving away free boxed meals for breakfast and lunch. I wish I had some government muffins in my fridge.

EDIT 3 – I’m moving over to NPR because it sounds like they’re set up in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and I have yet to watch last week’s Friday Night Lights.

Also, somebody managed to get hit by a Metro train at Gallery Place/Chinatown. Given the crowds on the trains coming back from the airport last night, I’m not surprised.

EDIT 4 – Panther pride! Hope FNL goes back to being awesome this season.

News coverage is still hilarious. BBC set up shop in front of a Jamaican flag.

EDIT 5 – As of 9 AM, both the Capitol and Washington Monument were at capacity. That’s something like a mile full of bodies. Plus, the Metro has 1+ hour waiting time. I’m thinking I’ll try to take the trains next week. Maybe those 500,000 people all trying to get out at once will be gone by then.

My thermometer reads 23º F. Due to the sheer amount of body heat, I bet hypothermia cases will be lower than usual out there.

EDIT 6 – Just read a guy making a great case for why two million people have the day off. To sum it up: if you close ALL of 395 plus a few bridges, nobody’s going to get to the city, which means nobody is going to get any work done. 

On the other hand, seeing port-o-johns lined to the horizon on the Mall is awe-inspiring.

EDIT 7 – CNN was interviewing a kid about why he was out today, but unfortunately, their LIVE OBAMA CAM bug in the lower right basically blocked out the entire kid. Oops.

EDIT 8 – Just heard a lady on NPR say only the president can affirm instead of swear during the Oath of Office. Um, no? I remember getting that option when we swore in as FSOs.

EDIT 9 – I think I prefer C-SPAN’s coverage the best. No commentary about why they seated Samuel L. Jackson next to the Rev. Jesse Jackson. It’s refreshing.

EDIT 10 – Dick Cheney hurt himself moving boxes, hence the wheelchair. There goes my theory that he’s a robot in disguise.

EDIT 11 – Loving Aretha’s GIANT bow right now.

Flight Back

After such a pleasant weekend in Lexington, I’m on my way back into the storm. I’m currently sitting in the tarmac, waiting for the plane to pull into the gate.

I grabbed this shot as we were making our descent. It’s hard to think that it’s so frigid outside when the sky looks like that.

Hey, Fatty!

The beauty of learning a language like Arabic is that you never know when you’re going to mistakenly insult somebody. It’s kind of like Dave Barry’s experiences with Japanese, where he found that accidentally putting the wrong stroke on a Kanji character could turn “library” into “sex with ostriches.”

Much to the amusement of our instructor, we often make these gaffs. One classmate meant to say “employee” (موظفة /mooaath’faa/) and managed to spit out “sexy” (موثيرة/mutheeraa/). Yesterday, we discovered that we were hanging on to one syllable of the Arabic version of the name Jasmine in our practice dialogues.

The dialogue called for the line “Thanks, Jasmine!” — /shokran, yaa yasmina/. What we were saying was closer to /shokran, yaa yaa semeena/, which translates (albeit badly) into “Thanks, fatty.”

Merry Christmas

For the record, I would like a Wii, Santa.

NOW It Shows Up

I just received my absentee ballot. Better late than never, eh, North Carolina?

Pointless, Yet Annoying

 

UGLY DOG,  ugly pets,  captain awesome.

What do these terms have in common? They were all punched into Google and as a result, the seeker managed to find RNF — this site. 

While I can understand the reference to a hilarious character on one of my favorite television shows, I have to admit that the search for ugly pets leaves me a bit befuddled. Furthermore, why is the first term completely capitalized? I’m sensing urgency from it, as though it was a life and death situation to find the most aesthetically-sickening canine that the Internet has to offer.

On top of that, I was curious as to what “UGLY DOG” would point me to, and it turns out that it was to my [defeated] campaign to win Bo WWNC’s Pick My Pet” competition. As it turns out, a local police chief’s YORKIE won out. I don’t understand the appeal of Yorkshire Terriers, but that’s just me.

Anyway, this concludes yet another Random Neural Firing. Enjoy this picture from a past post:

 

How'd he do it? Yorkies don't have thumbs!

 

I [omitted] the [omitted] and it was [omitted]!

We’re now officially past the halfway point of A-100 which means that there’s only two weeks between us and the knowledge of where we’re all going to be posted. A few folks are spending their free time getting anxious, but I don’t see the reason why. At this point, the assignment process is out of our hands, which I consider to be kind of liberating. Let somebody else worry about where my sorry behind is going and all the details necessary to get it there.

Class is fascinating and the more I learn about US diplomatic work the more I discover that I know absolutely jack. Thankfully, I can’t be too naive. There’s a nice-sized crowd of seasoned bureaucratic veterans from all manner of government agencies and departments who keep us idealists firmly grounded in reality.

Still, it’s nice to dream about changing the world, right?